The reason we don’t get what we want is because we want it too much. We reach for it with too much force. We lack the patience, we lack the poise. In Buddhism, they speak of willful will. More often than not, that is our problem.

In her beautiful book Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindberg writes on the hunt for sea shells: “The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach–waiting for a gift from the sea.”

It’s our expectations, the Stoics tell us, that get us in trouble. They make us rigid. They close us off. They make us impatient. They make us greedy. They’re also the reason that we miss what’s already there in front of us. In one of his own beautiful analogies, Epictetus says we are like the kid with their hand in the candy jar–our closed hand, wrapped around a fist of candy, traps us, leaving us with nothing.

Life is full of treasure…but only those who have conquered their willful will can possess it. Only those who have learned to relax, who can practice what the Stoics call the “art of acquiescence” can truly accept it. We are not in control. We must have faith and patience. We must not want anything in particular but be open–indeed love (that’s what amor fati means)–to whatever washes up on the shore for us.

This is how we’ll find treasure…and happiness.