{"id":293,"date":"2016-10-19T20:28:14","date_gmt":"2016-10-19T20:28:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dailystoic.com\/?p=293"},"modified":"2017-11-25T19:27:27","modified_gmt":"2017-11-25T19:27:27","slug":"dont-complain-or-blame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dailystoic.com\/dont-complain-or-blame\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Complain or Blame"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cWhat you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.\u201d \u00a0\u2015 Maya Angelou<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The late great poet and writer Maya Angelou had a knack for both getting to the heart of our struggles in life, and for helping us to shift our perspective and move toward joy. Her three-part prescription of stopping our complaints, changing the situation if it\u2019s up to us, or changing how we think about it if it\u2019s not, was one of many examples. The Stoics shared her approach to this subject, too\u2014in fact, they repeatedly tell us that if we want to see ourselves making progress the place to begin is by eliminating complaints about situations and blame for others.<\/p>\n

Seneca<\/a>, the powerful Stoic politician and playwright, had one of the toughest jobs in history as being a teacher and advisor to Nero\u2014that royal court was filled with plenty of reasons to wallow in dread, complaint, and blame. But Seneca took a different view on it when he wrote, \u201cNow, all the things which cause complaint or dread are like the taxes of life\u2014things from which, my dear Lucilius, you should never hope for exemption or seek escape.\u201d (Moral Letters, 96.2) <\/em><\/strong>Seneca is saying to dispense with the drama of complaint and simply do what we are here to do!<\/p>\n

But complaining is so comforting precisely because it excuses us from taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

A half century after Seneca, Epictetus\u2019 pupil Arrian recorded his teacher\u2019s strong advice to stop looking for that comfortable scapegoat in our troubles and instead focus on the choices that are ours to make in every situation:<\/p>\n

\u201cFor nothing outside my reasoned choice can hinder or harm it\u2014<\/em><\/strong>My reasoned choice alone can do this to itself. If we would lean\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>this way whenever we fail, and would blame only ourselves and\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>remember that nothing but opinion is the cause of a troubled\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>mind and uneasiness, then by God, I swear we would be making\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>progress.\u201d \u2014 Epictetus, Discourses, 3.19.2\u20133<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A few decades after Epictetus<\/a>\u2019 death, Marcus Aurelius<\/a> rose to power as the last of Rome\u2019s five good emperors. His teacher Rusticus had loaned his copies of Arrian\u2019s works on Epictetus to Marcus, who was profoundly influenced by them. In a beautiful reminder, Marcus crystallizes the Stoic aims of focusing our thinking, choices and actions upon the present moment:<\/p>\n

\u201cAt every moment keep a sturdy mind on the task at hand, as a\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>Roman and human being, doing it with strict and simple dignity,\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>affection, freedom, and justice\u2014giving yourself a break from all\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>other considerations. You can do this if you approach each task\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>as if it is your last, giving up every distraction, emotional subversion\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>of reason, and all drama, vanity, and complaint over your fair\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>share. You can see how mastery over a few things makes it possible\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>to live an abundant and devout life\u2014for, if you keep watch\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>over these things, the gods won\u2019t ask for more.\u201d\u2014 Meditations, 2.5<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In our world, as much as in Marcus\u2019 time, complaining and blaming\u2014finding fault in everyone but ourselves\u2014is the norm. How often do we let our emotions subvert our clear thinking and allow ourselves to indulge in the distractions and drama of complaining? It\u2019s such a toxic drain on our relationships, communities, and endeavors that we need to find a way to set new habits around this kind of negative and fruitless talk.<\/p>\n

Will Bowen<\/a>\u00a0started a movement a decade ago in his community to do just that\u2014starting with a few hundred people who took a challenge to go 21 days without uttering a single complaint, the pledge was very much like what Marcus said 2,000 years earlier:<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t allow yourself to be heard any longer griping about public life not even with your own ears!\u201d (Meditations, 8.9)<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Today, more than 11 million people in 106 countries have taken that challenge and seen dramatic improvements in their lives. It\u2019s a habit that Maya Angelou believed in as she joined Oprah and others in supporting Bowen\u2019s movement:<\/p>\n