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\u201cTwo elements must therefore be rooted out once for all, \u2013 the fear of future suffering, and the recollection of past suffering; since the latter no longer concerns me, and the former concerns me not yet.\u201d \u2013 <\/span><\/i>Seneca, from<\/span> Letters from a Stoic<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/p>\n After a long day at work and terrible traffic, you finally make it home. The stress has taken its toll, and you\u2019re exhausted, bored, and frustrated with the day\u2019s events all at once. You walk into your kitchen to find a heaping pile of dishes\u2013something you asked your spouse to take care of this morning! Yet, they\u2019re relaxing in front of the TV as if nothing\u2019s wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n You feel the anger rising up, and unable to control yourself, you yell at your spouse. You don\u2019t hold back. You\u2019re out to make a point, to prove that what happened is a <\/span>really big deal.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Your spouse is frightened and embarrassed. They\u2019re worried\u2013you\u2019ve never yelled at them like this before. They were going to do the dishes later, but you never gave them that opportunity. The day\u2019s been long for them too, yet you didn\u2019t care. They just wanted to have a nice night with you, but now that\u2019s ruined.<\/span><\/p>\n Later that night, you finally start to understand what losing your temper has cost you. You know you shouldn\u2019t have said what you said. You should have been more considerate. You should have acted differently\u2013you <\/span>regret<\/span><\/i> your choices.<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe for you it wasn\u2019t a pile of dishes that set you off. Maybe it was your kids using markers on the wall. Or your boss dumping that report on you before your vacation. Regardless of the scenario, we\u2019ve all lost it at some point, and we\u2019ve all felt the pang of regret.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The Stoics would define regret as the moment when past events consume our present lives. When we dwell over things we have no control over. When we resist our fate. Marcus Aurelius argued that we must be \u201csatisfied with what [we] have, and accept the present\u2013all of it.\u201d Regret is the contrary\u2013when we\u2019re not satisfied with what we have, when we reject what we\u2019ve been given.<\/span><\/p>\n Seneca said \u201cwe often suffer more in imagination than in reality.\u201d He was saying that regret is no more than an emotion of our imagination. We believe that had we said something (or held our tongue), had we acted differently, the outcome would have been different.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Marcus Aurelius carried a similar mindset, and provided a solution to this problem. \u201cExternal things are not the problem. It is your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Let\u2019s take another look at that \u201cfight\u201d you had with your spouse. Your regrets are not about the actual dishes or your spouse\u2013it\u2019s about your <\/span>perception<\/span><\/a> of expectations. You expected your spouse to have the dishes done when you got home. So you believe it should have been different, and <\/span>had <\/span><\/i>it been different, you would be better off.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So does that mean it\u2019s your spouse\u2019s fault? Maybe for leaving the dishes in the sink. But certainly not for your overreaction. And definitely not for the regret you felt later that night. Regret is an <\/span>internal problem<\/span><\/a>, to be both diagnosed and treated by ourselves. We must learn to look past these \u201cself-focused emotions\u201d and master our feelings of regret. This post aims to help you understand your emotions, use the past to your advantage, and conquer your biggest regrets.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cLife is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear the future\u201d<\/span><\/i> \u2013 Seneca\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We\u2019ve all told ourselves, \u201cno regrets.\u201d There are countless memes, inspirational quotes, and videos reminding us online. Poets, singers, painters, and writers have been creating art about it for millenia.\u00a0 We\u2019ve practically <\/span>been conditioned<\/span><\/a> to live by it.<\/span><\/p>\n But no matter how many times we read about it, sing along to a song about it, or tell ourselves not to, we all have something we regret. We all have that nagging feeling that comes back to us. That hits us exactly when we thought we forgot about that time, that place, those people. It comes back at the <\/span>very worst time<\/span><\/i>. It sucks. It hurts.<\/span><\/p>\n The power of regret is not to be understated. Bestselling author and founder of the American Regret Project Daniel Pink <\/span>found that 82 percent<\/span><\/a> of Americans experience regret at least occasionally. Pink describes regret as \u201can indispensable emotion,\u201d yet also claims it can be \u201ca positive instrument for improving your life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n If we truly want to improve our life, we <\/span>can\u2019t run away<\/span><\/a> from these negative feelings. We can\u2019t hide them. But should we just accept this despair? Should we just come to terms living with regret?<\/span><\/p>\n This is what the great writer Samuel Johnson must have been wondering near the end of 1775. With 1776 on the horizon, Johnson wrote in his diary:<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhen I look back on resolutions of improvement and amendment which have year after year been made and broken, either by negligence, forgetfulness, vicious idleness, casual interruption, or morbid infirmity; when I find that so much of my life has been stolen unprofitably away, and that I can descry by retrospection scarcely a few single days properly and vigorously employed, why do I yet try to resolve again? I try because reformation is necessary and despair is criminal.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Johnson came to terms with his past, but not with his regret. He chose to reflect upon his hardships in order to better himself, to avoid making those same mistakes in the future. He chose to fight regret\u2013not to wallow in it.<\/span><\/p>\n If there\u2019s one thing we can learn from Johnson, it must be that experiencing regret is inevitable\u2013but our actions and our mindset are not. Thus, the question is not \u2018<\/span>Why do I feel regret?<\/span><\/i>\u2019, but rather \u2018<\/span>How do I deal with it?\u2019 \u2018How do I move on?\u2019 \u2018How can I make myself better because of this?\u2019 <\/span><\/i>In order to answer these questions, the Stoics practiced the following strategies to help them build their mental toughness and resilience\u2013starting with examining what they controlled.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cEvery event has two handles, one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can\u2019t. If your brother does you wrong, don\u2019t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other\u2014that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.\u201d<\/span><\/i> – Epictetus<\/span><\/p>\n One of the most <\/span>important practices<\/span><\/a> in Stoic philosophy, which was introduced by Epictetus, is determining what we control and what we don\u2019t. What we have power over and what we don\u2019t. What we can change and what we can\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n There are two ways in which we can look at the past\u2013two handles we can grab, to use Epictetus\u2019 quote. The first handle forces us to perceive the past as an inevitable experience, destined to wrong and hurt us from the beginning. The opposite handle, however, allows us to <\/span>extract the good<\/span><\/a> parts, and use our experiences to benefit ourselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In looking at past decisions, we must grab them by the latter handle. We must understand that <\/span>what happened, happened<\/span><\/a>. We must see that we can\u2019t change the past, no matter how much it hurt us or someone else. So what good does regret do?<\/span><\/p>\n Absolutely nothing, as Holocaust survivor and author Dr. Edith Eger explained to Ryan Holiday on <\/span>an episode of The Daily Stoic Podcast<\/span><\/a>. Ryan was discussing a relationship he regretted messing up, and Dr. Eger offered him one gift that would solve the guilt right then. \u201cI give you a sentence,\u201d she said, \u201cOne sentence\u2014if I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.\u201d That\u2019s the end of that, she said. \u201cGuilt is in the past, and the one thing you cannot change is the past.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n As a society <\/span>we’ve become disillusioned<\/span><\/a> by the idea of what we control. We all believe we have some control over the outcome of whatever we encounter. We all believe that if we keep thinking about what happened, somehow we\u2019ll be able to change what happened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Yet, we must come to terms with the fact that some things simply can\u2019t be changed. We must understand that some things are in our control and some that aren\u2019t. Say, if you regret getting a haircut, you\u2019re in control. You can style it, cover it, or just wait for it to grow out again\u2013you command your situation. But if you regret <\/span>cursing out your boss<\/span><\/a> before quitting your job, you\u2019re not in control\u2013you can\u2019t take back your words.<\/span><\/p>\n As Marcus Aurelius wrote to himself\u2014and by extension, to us:<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cRemind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present\u2014and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits. And if your mind tries to claim that it can\u2019t hold out against that\u2026well, then, heap shame upon it.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n The past is done. We can\u2019t linger in our insecurities. We can\u2019t ponder over our regrets. We must learn that what happened is <\/span>out of our control<\/span><\/a> now\u2013we must let go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cLetting go is a necessary, if sometimes heart-wrenching gateway to genuine transformation,\u201d is how the always-zen basketball coach Phil Jackson put it. The Stoics called it the \u201c<\/span>art of acquiescence<\/span><\/a>\u201d\u2014the giving up and the assenting of whatever things are so that they can be what they are to become.<\/span><\/p>\n In one way, regret is just wishing things went the way we wanted them to. But by letting things become what they must, we are less likely to regret what we\u2019ve done. In accepting that some things are simply <\/span>out of our control<\/span><\/a>, we are less likely to wish for a different outcome.<\/span><\/p>\n The past is something we can\u2019t control anymore. We can\u2019t change what we said, what we did, or how we felt.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We can, however, control the present. We control <\/span>how we grow<\/span><\/a> from our experiences. We control how we respond to adversity. We control how we can use our regret to our advantage.<\/span><\/p>\n We control how we act right now. We <\/span>must<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n To learn more on this topic, check out \u201c<\/span><\/i>You Control How You Play<\/span><\/i><\/a>\u201d, where Ryan speaks to the Cleveland Browns about the importance of perspective, staying motivated, and knowing what they control.<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cA blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.\u201d – <\/span><\/i>Marcus Aurelius<\/span><\/p>\n After we sort out what we control, we must find how to respond\u2013regardless if we control what\u2019s happening or not. We must determine how we handle ourselves. We must determine how we overcome obstacles. We must determine <\/span>how to move forward.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n In the first book of his <\/span>Discourses<\/span><\/i><\/a>, Epictetus envisions himself being executed by Roman guards, his life out of his control. In a display of tranquility and wisdom, he lays out his thoughts:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI must die. But must I die bawling? I must be put in chains\u2013but moaning and groaning too? I must be exiled; but is there anything to keep me from going with a smile, calm and self-composed.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Though the term was first coined by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, the practice of amor fati\u2013loving your fate\u2013dates back to Epictetus and the Stoics. Often by means of reflection and meditation, the Stoics would use this practice to settle past trauma and help them achieve a greater sense of inner peace. \u201cThe Fates guide the person who accepts them,\u201d Cleanthes said, \u201cand hinder the person who resists them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Amor fati is more than just understanding what happens to us. It\u2019s understanding that our perception doesn\u2019t always have to be negative. It\u2019s understanding that accepting the present circumstances will make us better. It\u2019s understanding that we must be grateful for the cloudy weather sometimes\u2013and that there\u2019s always a way through the storm.<\/span><\/p>\n We all face hardships. We all get stuck in traffic. We all deal with slow WiFi, or bad cell service,<\/span> right <\/span><\/i>when we need to send that important message. As rational people, we tend to think that these hardships<\/span> were made specifically for us. That the world is out to get us. That we can\u2019t win.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But this couldn\u2019t be farther from the truth. <\/span>Everybody <\/span><\/i>goes through obstacles. <\/span>Everybody <\/span><\/i>gets tripped up sometimes. As we talked about in the first section, we can\u2019t control some things in life. And these hardships, no matter how hard we try, will always be out of our control.<\/span><\/p>\n When we accept what happens to us, after understanding that certain things\u2014 particularly bad things\u2014are outside our control, we are left with this: loving whatever happens to us and facing it with unfailing cheerfulness and strength. As bestselling author Robert Greene (<\/span>48 Laws of Power,<\/span><\/i><\/a> Mastery<\/span><\/i><\/a>) put it, we need to, \u201caccept the fact that all events occur for a reason, and that it is within your capacity to see this reason as positive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Marcus Aurelius portrays this concept perfectly in <\/span>Meditations<\/span><\/i><\/a> through the image of an artisans shop:<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThere are thorns on the path, then keep away! Enough said. Why ponder the existence of nuisance? Such thinking would make you a laughing-stock to the true student of Nature, just as a carpenter or cobbler would laugh if you pointed out the sawdust and chips on the floors of their shops. Yet while those shopkeepers have dustbins for disposal, Nature has no need of them.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Why get tripped up by the thorns? Why ponder over the sawdust on your floor? It\u2019s simply part of nature! As long as you have the capability to see them, you have the capability to move past them.<\/span><\/p>\n In practicing amor fati, we\u2019re also less likely to have regrets in the future. By <\/span>embracing the challenges<\/span><\/a> that lay ahead of us, we\u2019re less likely to regret the decisions we make to conquer them \u2013 regardless of the outcome. We\u2019re able to tackle the future with confidence, conviction, courage, and so much more.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Amor fati is more than just a mindset\u2013it\u2019s a way of life. Incorporating amor fati into your life will take time, effort, and sacrifices that probably won\u2019t feel comfortable. But we must. We must move past this existential angst. We must move forward, away from our regret, and towards our future.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Love what\u2019s happened to you. Love who you\u2019ve become, and how much you\u2019ve changed. Love your fate\u2013<\/span>amor fati.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Carry this reminder with you every day with our <\/span><\/i>amor fati medallion<\/span><\/i><\/a> from the <\/span><\/i>Daily Stoic Store<\/span><\/i><\/a>. Carry this in your pocket as a reminder to treat each and every moment\u2013no matter how challenging\u2013as something to be embraced, not avoided.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cWe should project our thoughts ahead of us at every turn and have in mind every possible eventuality instead of only the usual course of action.\u201d<\/span><\/i> – Seneca<\/span><\/p>\n Before Ryan Holiday gets on stage for a big speech, <\/span>he runs through everything that could go wrong<\/span><\/a>: trouble with the microphone, the clicker not advancing a slide, the audience not reacting as anticipated. He is able to see potential problems before they arise, and come up with solutions before anything actually happens. He is able to prevent himself from being overwhelmed if a problem arises by being prepared.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cRehearse them in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck,\u201d <\/span>Seneca<\/span><\/a> said. \u201cAll the terms of our human lot should be before our eyes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nWhy Do I Feel Regret?<\/b><\/h2>\n
Focus On What You Control<\/b><\/h3>\n
Love Your Fate<\/b><\/h3>\n
Look Ahead<\/b><\/h3>\n