On this day of American Thanksgiving, we’re supposed to make time to give thanks, to actively think about that word which has become almost cliché in wellness circles: gratitude. But what is gratitude? Some people think of it as being thankful for all the good things you have in your life. Others see it as the act of acknowledging what people have done for you or what you appreciate about others. 

While the Stoics would have agreed that all of what those interpretations encompass is important, they practiced a slightly different form of gratitude. It was more inclusive, and counterintuitive. It wasn’t about acknowledging or being thankful just for the good, but for all of life. “Convince yourself that everything is the gift of the gods,” was how Marcus Aurelius put it, “that things are good and always will be.” The first key word there is everything. The other key word is convince. Meaning: you have to tell yourself that it’s all good, even the so-called “bad stuff.” 

Is it possible to be grateful for a year that has been as difficult as 2020? A pandemic that’s claimed the lives of nearly 1.5 million people across the globe? That has produced layoffs and lockdowns? And then there are the wildfires. The hurricanes. Contested elections. Civil unrest and horrible moments of inhumanity seemingly everywhere you turn.

We didn’t create these problems. But they did happen. And while they aren’t our fault, it is up to us what we do with them, what we turn them into, how we manage to become better for them. And it’s that glimmer of light—especially with the passage of time—that will allow us to find something to be grateful for in the darkness of these times. 

In Discourses, Epictetus says, “It is easy to praise providence for anything that may happen if you have two qualities: a complete view of what has actually happened in each instance, and a sense of gratitude.” On the surface, much of what we’re upset about or wish hadn’t occurred is so objectionable that gratitude seems impossible. But if we can zoom out for that more complete view, understanding and appreciation can emerge. 

First off, you’re alive. That’s the silver lining of every shitty situation and should not be forgotten. But second, everything that has happened and is happening is bringing you to where you are. It’s contributing to the person you have become. And that’s a good thing. This understanding, Epictetus said, helps you see the world in full color—in the color of gratitude. 

The Stoics believed that we should feel gratitude for all the people and events that form our lives. We shouldn’t just be thankful for the gifts we receive, and our relationships with friends and family. We should also be aware of and grateful for the setbacks and annoyances. For the difficult coworkers and the nagging in-laws, for the stress they put on us and whatever other difficulties we might be experiencing. Why? Because it’s all of those things, interconnected and interdependent, that made you who and what you are today. It is only by seeing the totality of things, good and bad, that you gain the understanding necessary to be truly grateful.

It could be a terrible relationship that imploded spectacularly, but which led to you meeting the love of your life. It could even be the passing of a relative, something that caused you great sadness but which also spurred you to build stronger relationships with your loved ones who are still with us. It could be the failure of your industry which, for all the loss and difficulty, forced you to finally get serious about that dream you have long deferred. All of these things are sad, and they may not even lead to a happy ending—but they still define the course of your life, and it wouldn’t be you sitting there right now without them.

As you sit here celebrating this Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other festive gratitude-focused holiday—virtually, safely, remembering your obligations to the common good—take the time to appreciate the moment and give thanks for all the obvious and bountiful gifts that moment presents. Look for the good within the bad. But be sure to be thankful for everything in your life, even the things you would have never wished for. Because it’s in seeing the full picture, and seeking to understand it, that you gain the ability to express true gratitude, now and forever.

P.S. This was originally sent on November 26, 2020. Sign up today for the Daily Stoic’s email and get our popular free 7-day course on Stoicism.