Nassim Taleb said, “Stoicism is about the domestication of emotions, not their elimination.” If we can remain steady, if we can corral and control our emotions, no matter what happens or how much external events may fluctuate, there’s no obstacle that can undo us, no triumph that can overinflate us.
The word the Stoics used for this state was apatheia. It’s the fruit of philosophy—that kind of calm equanimity absent of irrationality or severity, free of mental clutter and chaos. It can be said that apatheia is achieved when you are in control, not your emotions. It is a state of being that is never not hard to achieve, because each day presents plenty of opportunities to let our emotions run rampant and prompt impulsive, irrational behavior. The dysfunctional job that stresses you out, a contentious relationship, reality not agreeing with your expectations. We’re anxious, then we’re scared, then sad, then angry. Before we even notice, negativity has snuck in, like smoke under a door, and choked out the last bit of equanimity we’ve been holding onto.
Then we spiral. We lose control. Our problems compound. We drift further and further from apatheia. And we have to dig a little deeper to ask ourselves what we can do to regain the reins? Interestingly, to win this war with ourselves, one of the first and best things to do is to identify the emotions you’re fighting and admit defeat in this particular battle.
Matthew D. Lieberman, UCLA associate professor of psychology and a founder of social cognitive neuroscience, used an fMRI study to demonstrate that the simple act of naming an emotion calms the emotional center of the brain. When research subjects were shown images and asked to label a strong emotion, they showed decreased activity in the region of the brain that triggers emotional responses, and greater activity in the region of the brain associated with vigilance and cognitive control. As Lieberman explains:
In the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses…This is ancient wisdom…Putting our feelings into words helps us heal better. If a friend is sad and we can get them to talk about it, that probably will make them feel better.
Ancient wisdom, indeed. Seneca’s line was that “we suffer more in imagination than in reality.” Marcus said to lay things bare and “strip away the legend that encrusts them.” If given free reign, negative thoughts and emotions will behave like uncaged beasts ready to turn on you. They’ll stir your fears, rattle your emotions, and ruin your week. Stress, anxiety, and anger become chronic and debilitating when they linger and fester.
They become what feels like an unbeatable enemy. Unless you summon the strength to put them down by writing them down. Tame them by naming them. And close the corral doors behind them.
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